My cousin Elizabeth, who lives in Hawaii, sends me these surveys from time to time. I usually ignore surveys because I don’t care if I “break the chain” and have bad luck for seven years, because I probably will anyway. I don’t care if my nose will fall off or if I’ll ruin the fun for everyone else. Oh, no. I am not falling for that one. I know I am not the only one ruining the fun for everyone when I don’t send my favorite cookie recipe to 20 people. I have been the one person who sent her recipe and no one else did and I didn’t even get my OWN recipe back.
But, somehow, Elizabeth’s surveys are thoughtful and fun and I don’t mind getting them or returning them to her. And, I don’t feel bad e mailing them around because it seems the people I send them to agree that they are worth it.
The one I just got from her asked questions that gave the person who received it a chance to be creative, wild, and maybe even a little naughty. So, I thought I’d send it around to see what my friends and family could come up with. I think you’ll enjoy their responses, and you’ll get why I call these people my friends, and sometimes deny they’re my family. We are not at all well.
Original survey sent by and answered by Elizabeth:
1. Name something you use in the shower: warm water
2. Name something a football player wears under his uniform: deodorant
3. Name something people hate to find on their windshield: bird doo-doo
4. Name something a man might buy before a date: deodorant
5. Name another word for blemish: zit
6. Name something you cook in the microwave: broccoli
7. Name a piece of furniture people need help moving: a sofa
8. Name a reason a younger man might like an older woman: sophistication
9. Name something a dog does that embarrasses its owner: jump on children because he loves people
10. Name a kind of test you can’t study for: in the old days, SAT’s
11. Name something a boy scout gets a badge for: I don’t know – some kind of good deed?
12. Name a phrase with the word home in it: home, sweet, home
13. Name a sport where players lose teeth: boxing
14. Name something a teacher can do to ruin a student’s day: it’s been too long to remember that
15. What’s a way you can tell someone has been crying: a stuffy nose
16. Name a bird you wouldn’t want to eat: parakeet
17. Name something a person wears even if it has a hole in it: ha- ask my husband! Everything!
18. Name something that gets smaller the more you use it: a pencil
As you can see, Elizabeth is a normal, logical person. She answered the questions honestly and added a little humor here and there.
Here are the questions again, with answers from my friends and family. I won’t embarrass anyone by spilling the beans about who said what, but I think they were all very creative, funny, and sometimes, well, a little gross. And, if you know any of the individuals who answered these questions, I’ll bet you’ll be able to tell who said what. Please send comments with more ideas for answers that pop into your head that we might have missed.
1. Name something you use in the shower: a puff ball, a Spongebob sponge, razor, loofah, fantasy, my hand, self-control
2. Name something a football player wears under his uniform: a jock strap, a cup, a lucky cup, deodorant, tattoos, lace, I hope he wears an athletic supporter which is the male equivalent of a g-string, but not to be confused with an athletic fan. Although I’m sure while wearing an athletic supporter it gets hot enough to wear an athletic fan
3. Name something people hate to find on their windshield: a parking ticket, a crack, I really don’t like finding doo-doo on my windshield; it makes for a crappy view, venison, dead bodies
4. Name something a man might buy before a date: condoms, condoms, condoms, lucky underwear, a woman, flour? I don’t think they buy baking supplies in any specific order. I mean you buy flour, sugar, eggs, dates…you are talking about date bread, aren’t you, because otherwise I don’t understand the question
5. Name another word for blemish: zit, my face, a panic attack, a pustule, chancre (pronounced shanker in case you’ve never had one), Richard Korengold, pimples, unless of course it’s on your ass. Then it’s called “ass-knee”
6. Name something you cook in the microwave: a cat, dinner at our house, everything, a better question would be “What do you NOT cook in the microwave?”
7. Name a piece of furniture people need help moving: a piano, a water bed, a sculpture of an antelope, any recliner on game day. They come with the extra weight of a man, a six pack of beer, and 42 bags of chips
8. Name a reason a younger man might like an older woman: sex, money, money, money, duh—sex, money…dahling, she’s hot, Cougar!, because she says, “If you don’t have another one in you get up and go home!”
9. Name something a dog does that embarrasses its owner: hounds, hounds, hounds, pees on your friend’s foot and into her shoe (it really happened to me!), scoots and farts (sbd’s – silent but deadly), humps visitors to the house, smells human crotches, licks itself where the owner can’t, humps the Minister’s leg at dinner
10. Name a kind of test you can’t study for: a pregnancy test, testicle check, drug test, i.q. test, eye test, blood test, STD test, breathalyzer
11. Name something a boy scout gets a badge for: cutting wood, fire starting, lighting a fire, helping an old woman across the street, maybe survival skills?, i skiing, self-control, taking a little old lady home, see #8
12. Name a phrase with the word home in it: home on the range, home sweet home, there’s no place like home, home boy, homies, “Honey! I’m home!”, “Richard, go home!”, “I’m grateful Dennis doesn’t live in our home.”
13. Name a sport where players lose teeth: hockey, boxing, karate, sale day at Wal-Mart, sex in a nursing home
14. Name something a teacher can do to ruin a student’s day: give homework, call on them when their hand is obviously not in the air, saying, “Hand that over to me NOW!!”, give them a pop quiz, show up, pick the other kid to have sex with, point out that the student farted
15. What’s a way you can tell someone has been crying: they tell you, telling you they have a cold, ask them, “Are you crying because I kicked you?”, the snot bubbles coming out of their nose, lives with me
16. Name a bird you wouldn’t want to eat: blue jay, humming bird, seagull, vulture, canary, cockatoo, pigeon from Venice, Lady Bird Johnson, Big Bird, a penguin
17. Name something a person wears even if it has a hole in it: men’s underwear, undershirt, underwear, men’s skivvies which always have holes in them, condom – oops! You only make that mistake once! Oh, GAWD! I hope no one said condom!
18. Name something that gets smaller the more you use it: a bra, I can only think of things that get larger, testicles, brains, soap, chalk, patience, your reputation
Thanks to all who participated… I think. Oh, and some of the best answers came from my “blogging buddy”, and most likely my long lost sister from another mother, “Gladys”, so please check out her blog at http://gladysspeaks.blogspot.com