Last week my friend Bob called to ask me what he should get his wife Barb for her birthday. Seeing as her birthday was the next day, he was a tad desperate.
“I was thinking I’d get her a gift certificate for a facial.” Now, Bob’s wife, who is a very good friend of mine, had asked me to ask him what he was getting her a few weeks earlier because she thought if I asked him he would actually remember to buy her something. I did, but he waited until the day before her birthday to remember to actually get a gift which made it more difficult for me.
“Well,” I said as tactfully as I could, “a facial is nice, but it’s sort of like saying, ‘here honey, go get the scum sucked out of your your pores.'”
“Oh,” he said. “I didn’t think of it that way. I thought she would like a facial.”
“Yes, she probably would,” I said. “But she can get herself a facial any time she wants. She’d probably like to get something a little more personal from her husband than a zit extraction. “
“What about a massage?” he asked hopefully.
“Well,” I said, “massages are nice, but we can pretty much buy massages for ourselves whenever we feel we need them. It just screams out ‘last minute gift idea’, so you may want to steer clear of a massage, too. You need to make it a little more creative and intimate.”
“Like what?” he asked.
I had to really think for a moment because after all he was supposed to have gotten my hint about buying Barb a presents weeks ago, and because she knew I was going to have some input I had to make it good.
“Well, how about going to Victoria’s Secret and getting her something she wouldn’t buy for herself. Especially if it’s something you would really like to see her wear.”
I thought he’d get her a negligee or a slinky robe. Or, because I don’t know what goes on behind their closed doors, maybe something with an animal print or something that is so see-through it leaves little to the imagination.
No, he got her thong underwear. And lots of it.
Now some women love thong underwear. I have some friends who only wear thongs. However, if you’re buying thong underwear as a gift for your wife, girlfriend, or significant other, if you’ve never seen them in it before, there’s a very good chance there’s a reason. If women want to wear thongs, they generally buy thongs. If they wear “hipsters” or “bikini” underwear, or even “granny” underwear, it’s because that’s what they’re comfortable wearing. Maybe buying panties for someone else isn’t such a great idea. Besides, Victoria’s Secret sells lots of other things that make great gifts. I think the point here is: stay away from the panties.
Barb called and asked me to come over. When I got there she brought out a teeny tiny Victoria’s Secret box and said, “Can you believe what he got me?” He was sitting right there so we both acted tactfully. I wanted to blurt out, “that’s not what I had in mind, Bob!” But, hey, I guess it was what he wanted to see her in and he probably felt very proud of himself. She, on the other hand, was happy that he had gotten her something sexy, but now spends a lot of time pulling her thong underwear out of her butt crack, where it belongs. And since Bob had asked me not to tell Barb that he called and asked for my help, I was very happy that she didn’t know the whole Victoria’s Secret thing was my idea. I led the horse to water. He chose to drink butt floss.
Sometimes it’s hard to find the perfect gift for your partner, but some things are just givens. And with Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I thought I‘d try to be of some assistance.
For instance, never buy your wife or girlfriend a household cleaning device. Even though she may have her heart set on a particular vacuum cleaner or washing machine, those are items to be bought as household expenses, not as gifts. Giving your wife the Swiffer Wet Jet may seem to be a good idea. But if it’s for her birthday or Valentine’s Day, you had better watch out before you find the Swiffer swiffering your anus.
Don’t buy your wife or girlfriend a scale, unless, of course, you are trying to break up with her. Any and all weight loss products, including exercise equipment, Richard Simmons videos, over-sized sweat outfits, and low-fat cookbooks are off-limits. Nothing says “I love you” less than something suggesting you think she resembles a linebacker.
And, whatever you do, do not ever, ever buy your wife or girlfriend self-help books. Books with titles such as Get over it! Your Mother is not the Boss of you!, 16 Ways to Gain Self -Esteem, or How to Be the Slut He Really Wants should not be on the gift list. Don’t even think about it.
Instead, get her a piece of jewelry or artwork. Give her something she may have hinted that she wants, unless it’s a household cleaning device or low-fat cookbook. A special dinner at a swanky restaurant, or a surprise party are always winners, especially if you invite a friend of hers whom she hasn’t seen in eons who may live out of town or far away. Just make sure she hasn’t avoided that person because they have become sworn enemies over the years. That would be bad.
It isn’t really as hard as it sounds. Just remember that women really are different from men. Not everything revolves around sex. Not everything revolves around sports. Not everything revolves around you. The rules are pretty easy. If it’s something that turns you on, it probably won’t turn us on, unless you buy something that shows you are in touch with your feminine side. And that, my friend, would not be thong underwear. And if you like to wear that, you have bigger problems than what to buy your wife for a gift.